what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
