I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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