i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
