What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize