Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
