Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My feet surprised me
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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