Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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