i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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