you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
