I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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