Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
