Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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