And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize