Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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