Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
