So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
be right there i have to get my cape
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
