Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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