Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
