4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
