The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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