There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
