I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
