listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
