my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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