I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
