I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
