i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
