I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
