Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
