my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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