Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize