Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
