it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
