How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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