You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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