Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
