just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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