he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
