i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
