dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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