He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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