Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
