how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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