he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
