So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
