did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
