Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
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