Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
