Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
