Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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