they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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