I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
