anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
