I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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