I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
